I had a difficult time when I was younger and began struggling with depression around the age of 11. I was very sensitive and took even the smallest, unintentional actions against me to heart. My emotions grew volatile and ruled the way that I viewed the world.
We all have a difficult time as we enter puberty, but I seemed to be falling deeper into a dark pit that I had no idea how to get out of. I spent much of my time suffering in silence, internalising the building sadness inside me, which I blamed on the how the world felt such a painful place to be. Teen years are challenging to navigate, but this went far deeper than teenage angst.
Although I had close friends my own age, I only felt I could relate to them on a surface level... I seemed to need a lot of time alone, in my own company. I found it tiring to be around people for too long, including my own family members. Adults always told me things like 'you're beyond your years' and 'an old soul' - which seemed like they were meant to be compliments, but at the time just affirmed to me that I wasn't thinking and behaving like a 'normal' teenager. Despite having a loving family, friends, a boyfriend, I felt alone. I never really felt happy....in fact, I seemed to grow less happy as each year passed. I felt disconnected, resentful and above all else- tired.
By the time I was 14 I wondered "Why am I here? Because if this is all there is, what's the point? ".
I spent a lot of time waiting around for life to get better or expecting it to become the responsibility of another person to come along and fix me. The only time I opened up about the gaping hole I felt in my chest, it was treated as the dramas of teenage hormones, which lead to me feeling even more misunderstood and alone.
The reason I tell you all of this, is that I spent 10 years in and out of a dark hole, yo-yo-ing between feeling like life was not worth living in my worst moments and that it was tolerable in my best moments. I have lived in the grips of numbness, depression and anxiety, I have been the most negative person in every room, I have obsessively longed for answers to all the 'Why's' to explain how I could be getting life so wrong and whether or not it was worth me continuing on with it.
All the while, I had this deep sense there was more. That I was born into this life with a passion and love that still resided deep within me, silently stirring under all the baggage I'd piled on top of it, and a niggling feeling that my world would be better some day. It scratched away at the back of my mind, like when you walk into a room and forget what you went in there for, that I was supposed to be doing something. So, I started searching for what exactly that was, and who exactly I was.
Those years were hard, painful and gruelling. And I am appreciative for every single moment of them. Those years were the building blocks for everything I am now. I wouldn't trade nor wish not to go through, even one day. To tell you my whole story would require writing a book, so for now I will keep it to this-
In 2013 I came to Australia, having just turned 18. It was my attempt to grasp the faint light at the end of the tunnel. Alas, after 7 months I seemed as unhappy as ever, I was still looking for external factors to 'make me happy' and my mind very much stuck in victim mode. I wanted to give up and go back to England, but something stubborn niggled within me to stick it out.
The spectrum of awful and beautiful events that came after are the reason I am now in love with life. I believe our whole existence is a spiritual journey of the soul, but we tend to define the beginning as when we first become aware / awakened and open ourselves to spiritual concepts. For me, this was around the age of 20, though for the 6 years following it was very sporadic and held no consistency in focusing on spiritual practices. In 2022, this changed.
I dove into learning and opening myself wholeheartedly to a myriad of new concepts. This lead to me crafting and solidifying my practices. I am happy, fulfilled and so very grateful for the life I have created. I am humbly still learning, but I am choosing to live a life fulfilment.
On this wonderful journey of mine, I have found my deepest purpose is to help others on their path, by sharing my own experience and knowledge. With absolute knowing, faith and trust in this life's plan, I open my heart and spirit to all seeking guidance.
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